I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
