i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
