Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
