she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He shit in the fireplace
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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