On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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