I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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