i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
