If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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