We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
