it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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