hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
