Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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