i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
smell my finger.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
