Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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