He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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