bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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