he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
