i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
