he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
