Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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