Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
