I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
