How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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