You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
His nipple licking is glorious
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