He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
