watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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