ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
