I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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