I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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