Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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