i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
