I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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