I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
