I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
