Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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