I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
