so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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