I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
