I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
