well you can't waste a boner
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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