I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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