youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
