I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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