I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
