i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
