i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
