I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
