I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
