I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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