i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
