call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
