Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize