I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
