Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
