Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
