My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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