Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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